what is.
headphone tourist.
wear it tight
the art of subversion
- TREOS
the earth is not a cold dead place - explosions in the sky
abandoned - when curtains fall
kiss distinctly american - q and not u
lipstick stigmata - elliott
words.
siddhartha - hermann hesse
this time - gerald stern
the stats .
arent
you ?
hey kids. if you havent caught on-
ELISE
has moved to a new livejournal.
so add her if your heart desires. hers sure does!
enough talking in the third person, go there for an updated view of my life.
lovelise.
ripped off by their new boss
so today was a long but good day. got through all the classes i work my ass off for but still end up forgetting something...my plate is even more overflowing this year than last year. ah well, tough cookies
walked downtown with knox to get sandwiches and made it back in time for rehearsal which i didnt need to go to...so sean and i walked around down the loop road and he picked me a cattail(!!! did you know that if you hold them over a fire they explode? yeah. neither did i) and found this pretty little trail that went in sixthousand directions and eventually found the field hockey field...as well as tailgaters grilling and wearing metallic green mullet wigs and face paint and playing loud obnoxious music. so apparently nic and jb and dj and etc etc all tailgate at all the field hockey games because theres no fans. what a kickass idea
so nic snuck me a roll (shh!) and they were nice enough to give us sodas and we chilled and watched the game for a bit, and it was heavenly.
i love the smell of barbecue even though i dont eat it. it felt sort of like summer was throwing one last punch and it was warm and the sky was clear and absolutely gorgeous.
sean walked me back because i had to be at lindas @5 so we hurried a bit. passed the medfield team (medway? i dont know) that our soccer team owned. and they all glared at sean because he had a girls field hockey jersey on and there were two massive bulges of fabric where boobs are supposed to be. i love that kid
it felt like the end of the week today...i'm just that tired. i had a dream where the screw in my ankle poked out and my foot fell off. and it was really really upsetting and my ankle hurt all of today and i think it was PURELY PSYCHOLOGICAL
for once people have come to me with plans for my weekend...sorry kiddos but theres only 4 days of weekend. (i know, only four ???) so i'll be going off for pizza with sean/ben friday...mall w/james/lyndsey/abe saturday? off in western mass OR getting jim hot new duds on newbury street sunday...monday jamming with aleks and doing the massive 4 days of work crazy honors/AP teachers assign. jesus
how did i manage to fill four days
no wait let me reword...how did they manage to fill four days?
wednesday = happy tierneys BIRTHDAY = lit mag meeting = watching swingtime with ginger rogers and fred astaire = eating cake.
but dont tell her
actually do tell her
especially the happy birthday part
...but on wednesday
mmkay i'm done
night
ripped off by their new boss
so today was a long but good day. got through all the classes i work my ass off for but still end up forgetting something...my plate is even more overflowing this year than last year. ah well, tough cookies
walked downtown with knox to get sandwiches and made it back in time for rehearsal which i didnt need to go to...so sean and i walked around down the loop road and he picked me a cattail(!!! did you know that if you hold them over a fire they explode? yeah. neither did i) and found this pretty little trail that went in sixthousand directions and eventually found the field hockey field...as well as tailgaters grilling and wearing metallic green mullet wigs and face paint and playing loud obnoxious music. so apparently nic and jb and dj and etc etc all tailgate at all the field hockey games because theres no fans. what a kickass idea
so nic snuck me a roll (shh!) and they were nice enough to give us sodas and we chilled and watched the game for a bit, and it was heavenly. i love the smell of barbecue even though i dont eat it.
it felt sort of like summer was throwing one last punch and it was warm and the sky was clear and absolutely gorgeous.
sean walked me back because i had to be at lindas @5 so we hurried a bit. passed the medfield team (medway? i dont know) that our soccer team owned. and they all glared at sean because he had a girls field hockey jersey on and there were two massive bulges of fabric where boobs are supposed to be. i love that kid
it felt like the end of the week today...i'm just that tired. i had a dream where the screw in my ankle poked out and my foot fell off. and it was really really upsetting and my ankle hurt all of today and i think it was PURELY PSYCHOLOGICAL
for once people have come to me with plans for my weekend...sorry kiddos but theres only 4 days of weekend. (i know, only four ???) so i'll be going off for pizza with sean/ben friday...mall w/james/lyndsey/abe saturday? off in western mass OR getting jim hot new duds sunday...monday jamming with aleks and doing the massive 4 days of work crazy honors/AP teachers assign. jesus
how did i manage to fill four days
no wait let me reword...how did they manage to fill four days?
wednesday = happy tierneys BIRTHDAY = lit mag meeting = watching swingtime with ginger rogers and fred astaire = eating cake.
but dont tell her
actually do tell her
especially the happy birthday part...but on wednesday
mmkay i'm done
night
the last few hours
i was thinking about time, today, as it was my brothers 18th birthday. and i was thinking of what would make my life worthwhile, what would make it a success.
all of the time we get pressured with these strange and unrealistic and sometimes ridiculous ideas of success...that we need to be successful, that we should be successful quickly, that we should make lots of money, that we should try and live forever, get a fixed rate mortgage, get married, never be tied down, have a smaller waist, bigger breasts, bigger dick, perfect skin, no wrinkles, smoke cubans wait till marriage have fun get straight As get into an ivy league white teeth enjoy youth work from home drive a sports car preserve the environment be economical shop at all the finest stores eat healthfully consume big macs with no buns be a well rounded individual be angsty because its cool fight the media conform to the media protect our rights kill for our rights hand over our rights be pleasant all the time improve libido
be success
you should be pure success
and if you arent
fix yourself
well you know what
i guarantee you that if you see someone from across a busy street or a supermarket aisle
and you mouth/motion the skinnamarink-y-dinky-dink,-skinnamarink-y-do,-i,-love,-you song, (you know the one) they'll smile
and thats all i have to say about my day
walking into a house of miraculous recovery i talked to the king of everything
i had a lovely day today...lot of cleaning, lot of music-reorganization, went off to the mall with lovely katie to go shopping for the first time in the longest, longest time. got my brother his present(s) got pretty things (i never get pretty things that are pretty for the sake of being pretty in the sense of adorning yourself, my goodness i had the chance to be a stupid girl) and pizza and pictures in a booth and silly kissing mints. katie makes me happy...what a kick-butt person. we talked about my schoolgirl crush on you-know and acted like teenagers and dropped the whole academia thing to be replaced with laughing about men's shoe size and prom.
jesus christ.
so i spent all of my money and then some... on things i'll never need with the exception of my origami paper.not that i need that
do you remember those awesome gear-shaped plastic pieces that you stuck in this notched frame and spun around with a pen in a hole and they made spiraly designs? i think they were called spirographs
nonetheless i bought one shaped like a rabbit and now everything in my room is covered with spirals
it began to rain when we were driving home and its putting me to sleep
everyone gets very shut down around 7:30 when theyre still at a job on a saturday night... many unpleasant half asleep people working halfassed talking halfassed existing halfassed.
on a lighter note
boi x wunder: its nice to know that ppl are looking to explore their personal faith
he11oe1ise: indeed
he11oe1ise: well said
boi x wunder: of course its well said, im god
he11oe1ise: haha
he11oe1ise: good to know, thanks
he11oe1ise: i go to your house every sunday
boi x wunder: it isnt really mine, just one of my many rental properties
boi x wunder: im a rich man
he11oe1ise: ah, i see
boi x wunder: okay enough of that, i really dont want to go to hell
aleks makes me smile
yesterday i learned to salsa as a part of my education
so things have been a bit hectic and oh-my-god-its-tomorrow-already
i've decided to test out LJ to see how it is (i know! blasphemy!) as i've already been on blogger since the seventh grade...
so its october now and all the trees are rebelling and staying green against the far-too-quick passing of time.
wednesday caitlin and i continued our movie wednesday traditions- saw the forgotten, was surprisingly scary (or maybe i just thought i was braver than i actually was) and we got laughed at by the entire theater for screaming like the little girls we are.then, we get in the car to go home, and on comes the radio...famed extraterrestrial scientist/psychologist dies from being hit by a car. and theyve got all of this eerie nostalgic sci-fi music playing. jesus.
i ended up buying over $50 of cds as always; i really need to take an inventory of what i have, its overtaking my room.
i finally fell asleep after talking with friends and getting distracted with less frightening frivolity.
thurdsay was a normal thursday...by the way i really hate school pictures especially on mondays after algebra
i kind of drifted through the week not really absorbing anything and i saw the most beautiful boy who looks all willowy and not-there and tries very hard to be invisible and succeeds well...i had never seen him before even though hes been going to our school system for years... i find that fascinating how someone can become so intentionally generic.
friday finn drove caitlin em and i home...scared the hell out of em
i walked down to ronnies way over-bundled for the cold walk home- we just hung out in his basement and listened to 80s music, then 90s music, then music of today...and it was tons of fun. sometimes its eerie how similarly we think and how bad our good taste in music is
he made me close my eyes and i was all nervous he was going to scare me or whatnot- but when he told me to open them the lights were off and he had one of those globes that lights up and creates a night sky on the celing. it was absolutely amazing
lots of silliness about perfumes and pheromones-
ended up getting driven home and staying up till 1and sleeping extremely late today.
everything is improving...mandy is happy, emily is hopefully beginning to get happy, same with caitlin....and the rest of them...i always feel bad when they ask me for help and all i can do is listen. i suppose things dont always work out
anyway the weather has been brilliant and it coordinates nicely with how my days are going;
worrell made my negatives a contact sheet for the demo, which was awesome; most of the photos came out well, except for one massive black box and a couple when i had the depth of field sort of...crazy
things are lovely...hoping desperately that we can make it to the q and not u concert wednesday; have to.
jesus christ i have to
nonetheless its october now
happy october
tomorrow is my brother's big 1-8. crazy. i feel so young; its nice to have so much time
you dont know no better, neither do we
so great i've woken up and have a massive black and blue cheek from the pit.
and tomorrow are school pictures
hoo flipping rah
took another walk today to straighten some things out in my head
hours and hours and hours and hours
saw sean r. at the cafe today which was nice, i might be working there soon if all goes well
saw photographer bob there as well and he was like WHY DIDNT YOU TAKE PICTURES AT THE CONCERT
i really shouldve
man i have so much work to do
and its such a beautiful day
and i feel like my senses are going to punch me in the face from so many everythings being so overwhelming
prepare yourself
absolutely brilliant nights and days- after friday finally allowed itself to end there was play practice, aleks visited, a potato...finn caitlin gen and i went to pick up jon- we drove caitlin home, they dropped me and jon at the intersection for the photos-
drove him home, got home, got a call from ronnie, walked to ronnies house, watched "ronica" (hah!) and the rest of donnie darko, and talked and hung about.
got home, slept till late...woke up to a beautiful day, walked my 9 mile loop, came home and made some calls- took a shower, got ready, picked up caitlin and matt and drove to framingham for the show-
absolutely outstanding show, the cadence, a loss for words, TREOS, when curtains fall, faraway and others...i still hold with that theyre better live, all of them-
great people, though i sort of got beat up a lot towards the end- amazing music and colored lights and building that smelled like old... aleks put out a lot of effort to keep caitlin and i from getting trampled...hes a great guy
played piano a bit, aleks sang with TREOS a bit which was amazing, and they played a great set...what am i saying all of them did
it was a great time, we saw finn gen bri adam s. jb janine jeff tim cassie anthony
and we had our own hopkinton corner
jammed on out of tune piano with guy i dont know named kaydence (i probably spelled that massively wrong)
"this is better than the concert!"
"you've got an entourage"
met lots of really interesting and awesome people like molly and a guy named tiny and the singer from a loss for words that i still dont know the name of that thought he smelled bad, and i finally re-met spiderman and he quasi-remembered me from natick, and blah blah people blah etc
it was a great night though- so much brilliant music, though a lot of sweat and movement and...sensory overload
right now matt and i are jamming jazz over the internet-
i got a ton of...things
pins stickers tee shirts demos etc
a lot of it was free
crazy.
my head is pounding because i got way too many appendages in the face-
and because i was listening to crazy loud music all night
twas beautiful though
absolutely beautiful. i feel really lovely right now
really perfect
the lead singer from a loss for words was so nice...in fact everyone there was nice.
and i want to be in a band
really really bad
i should call aleks
i'm really upset because i was just checking the middle east lineup and explosions in the sky and q and not u and planes mistaken for stars and mouse on mars and massive amounts of my favorite bands are playing in the next few months
only its in cambridge, at night, and most are 18+ so its a longshot and i'm sad.
and i have to work all tomorrow.
who says i give up on my honors and AP classes and crazy extracurriculars and "excelling" and go play music and listen to music and write and take photos all the time.
that and boogie
i'm going to go shower because i swear to god i probably contracted 6000 diseases from people slamming into me tonight
still though...
wow how great
a beautiful breath of fresh air
my days were a blur of brightly colored hair, meadows, lunches of nothing and clear skies.
wednesday evening...caitlin ronnie and i drove off to my house, hung about in my room, played my keytar...talked about things...drove off to ronnies, hung in his room, called ben's father (???) and went off to bellingham, went to chilis where we got martinis and things and spent all our money on french fries and chicken fingers i obviously couldnt eat...went to shop for cds, dance about, meet random man who had the loveliest grin and liked my fair lady (we invited him to the performance! he wrote my name on his hand.) and saw singer from special fredd, who we talked to for a bit- i got some information on a gig on the 30th, written on a scrap of schedule...him and his friends were doing handstands for quarters, seeing as they had spent all their money on cigarettes and needed to develop a roll of film. what lovely guys, ronnie was scared. scene kids
saw cellular, (was surprisingly good) explored the theater and found a staircase to nowhere...enjoyed the night and how beautiful it was
friday night finn sarah ben b. and i drove off...in his fathers little sporty auto. off into the crazy scary dark sky that looked so foreboding it wasnt even funny...drove for an hour and a half, finally got into springfield, and smelled gasoline and cotton candy. finally we saw spotlights and got ripped off for parking, and walked into the big E.
overwhelming amounts of brightly colored lights...rode the ferris wheel and saw the tiny dancing spotlights like they were lightning bugs. it was a beautiful night. after getting down we saw kayla/janine/tim/erica/caitlin/jeff (i must admit i saw jeff's mohawk first) and talked to them for a bit...went on the swings with ben, lots of whirling...beautiful interesting people, scents of sugar and impending fall and carnival machinery. insane mix
we walked around aimlessly, bought candy apples, whirl ice cream, watched horses trot in circles and a mardi gras parade...
i felt really enthusiastic about being alive
some man waved to me and ben, and ben couldnt remember his name...we walked behind him for the longest time, ben trying to remember who he was, when he turned around...it wasnt his face...
but the name was gideon, as he remembered too late.
we sat on a bench and thought about berlin
we walked back to the car, drove around guessing...caught in traffic, worst part of MA...
random club opening didnt help things
we drove through the city beautiful as it was, kept on thinking we recognized things from the drive in
maybe 45 minutes passed, when we decided to stop and ask how to get onto the mass pike
saw a AAA, it was closed, saw a security guy, asked him...he had...really long fingernails and was really scary...
none of us actually absorbed any of the directions he gave us
we drove off and then realized we still had no idea where we were going...
eventually we found a gas station, surrounded by scary folk...tall ghostly white man dressed in all black stalking around, man with trenchcoat wooshing around on a scooter so it looked like he was floating..
we walked in the station and the register lady was covered by a wall of bulletproof...
asked how to get to boston, strange man with unintelligible accent said "hahahaha. take boston road and drive to boston!" and then he proceded to announce ben's emergence from the bathroom and introduce himself and shake his hand while ben looked thoroughly...shaken.
we eventually got onto the mass pike and celebrated massively, even though finn's clutch was dying and smelling horrid...
we began to laugh at nothing for long periods of time, so we decided it was time to get finn a coffee..stopped at my favorite rest stop, and drifted off again (saw its identical twin...) arrived home at midnight, after leaving at 9:30...
freebird came on and we waved our lighters even though the window kept blowing them out, and i fell in and out of sleep till i was dumped back at my house. to fall asleep full of sweet dreams.
i woke up saturday morning to torrential downpours washing my roof and dripping down my windowsills...i thought of ben and was happy he didnt have to go to crazy practices early in the morning.
sitting around in sweats and baggy things i caught up on reading, thinking, living-
talked a bit with ronnie, he convinced me to go to the dance, that he would teach me to dance in front of others...i gave in, went over to his house, hung about while drunks mulled about downstairs, we watched a bit of donnie darko in his lovely room, and had the most brilliant discussion...about the limits of forever and how much we are worth, and what we do and do not sense. hes a beautiful guy, and it was nice to have that sort of conversation with someone- pushing the limits of what used to ruin my days full of existentialism but what he viewed as something beautiful, how he refused to get depressed about it because "life is just so wonderful". I felt content like i'd emptied myself. It was lovely...we walked downstairs, outside, and drove off to the school dance where we proceeded to dance like raving lunatics and where i met the boy i had a massive schoolgirl crush on in 2nd grade. and now he's all scene. butterfly effect i swear
i had a great time, for once- a lot of fun. i know such beautiful people and sometimes tongue-in-cheek dancing is good for you.
i am full of how alive i am.
today was a vividly blue skied day, clear and clean- i went for my little 9 mile loop walk early this morning...thought things through and felt healthy.
i got back, took a quick shower, bundled up and went off to the varsity soccer picnic...it was a nice day to pretend to socialize and really just look around at fall beginning to crawl up into my skin and the trees and the air and the ground. i love this time of year, so much- you cannot help but be invincible.
sometimes i just sit and look at something, at every little tiny detail. everything is so complex, i could never get bored.
i've finally gotten rid of my final inhibitions and realized who i am right now, understanding that it might change- it feels almost ridiculously free, like it was so easy.
life is absolutely stellar
"Love! Romance! On a stick!"
I truly have had the most amazing few days and quite frankly i am so explosive with love it is hard to contain my sickly sweetnesses. But I'll try. Actually no i wont.
The sixth was em's birthday shindig- lovely em rachel tierney megan curran chris a. andrew k. matt and jeff s. were there and this was the best picture we got. beautiful. ha
we played faux-volleyball, layed around in the sun and talked about growing up among other things. The air was crisp and beautiful and it was a day full of lovely free-feeling (even though I had to leave at 5 to finish my work at home.) twas lovely.
Tuesday quite honestly I dont remember at all, except that it took a very, very long time...but after school caitlin and I went to the tech room for me to sing in front of someone for the first time in my entire life. (phew.) and she helped me out, to prepare for auditions the next day. Go amazing caitlin for being...amazing.
Wednesday I still dont remember, mostly because all I thought about all day was auditions. Auditions took place after school, and i was #17. And I was also very nervous and without a lot of necessary skill but i SANG, and i sang build me up buttercup, and i didnt freak out, and it was okay.
another first done
and i think that was the day it poured and ronnie danced in the rain and got my mom's car soaked. and we ate a lot of candy bars and it was grand
so i didnt think i did very well because i cant really sing, and next day was readthroughs for main characters, and finn drove me home with the 3 dollars of gas gen gave him but first me sarah him and gen went to his house so he could change because he was having a stupid pants day (you know those? when you wear clothes that arent quite right and you feel like crap the whole day because of it and just cant wait to get home) and we made him a screen name that we arent allowed to tell anyone and he came down with a shirt covered in primary color handprints of kids and on the back it said UNCLE ALEX in huge letters and HAPPY CHANUKAH and it was really happy and made me smile. we went to cumbys and got nonfood that we ate and then i was dropped off and hung about my house and enjoyed having control of my life and not letting my life beat the shit out of me like it did last year.
the next day i checked the callback list and bang! i was called back for a maid. so kurdi had us sing scales a note higher at a time till we simply couldnt sing any higher to check our range. i surprised myself...everyone surprised myself. christ we can sing high.
then we watched everyone else sing and dance and act for main parts while we sat waiting because kurdi told us to wait only it turned out we didnt need to. ah well. what a kick butt guy, though. very perpetually pleasant
we ate cassie's cookies that she so kindly brought for everyone and i talked with janine and em and mandy and lovelies. everyone did splendid in auditions...we have such talent in our school. sometimes i just sit and think full of awe at what some of my peers are capable of. its beautiful
after callbacks i rushed home got dressed in "business casual" (haha) and went off to rachels to save her from crazy parents business party. we directed cars and peter stopped by and almost ran me over because he was about to go taunt jason at the spoon but was wondering why we were standing by the street in skirts. the sun went down and businessmen and women tried to loosen up and joke, and it was very silly. we made pasta in the microwave only it ended up spurting green foam. we also had tipsy tiramisu full of wine, thought it was disgusting, ate lots of pineapple, ate dinner in the treehouse, did bad cartwheels, looked at stars, sang "leaving on a jet plane" despite not knowing most of the words outside of the title, watched bad TV, saw jason (!!! crazy college boy. tried to scare me, pshh. i'm going to miss that kid) and the party in general was really fun and full of yummy things. and funny business people. and perfect cushiony grass.
the next morning my mom woke me up by saying YOU NEED TO CLEAN THE BATHROOM and my response was mrmgghhhh and shes like oh and your party is today so you need to work on that too and my response was ...mghh
and then i got up and cleaned the bathroom and went and bought tons of food and a cake that grew a bubble which was really weird and set up christmas lights for outside and cleaned my room for soni and got all my cds and the stereo set and went to stupid sandwich store that took over 45 minutes to make a caesar wrap and wanted to make me explode but its okay and as soon as everything was (mostly) ready my first guest arrived! yay for rachel! and then janine then caitlin and then sonia and i forget the order after that but bunches of people came- ben b, jeff n, finn, sarah, aleks, aitken, andrew, matt, katie, emily, jen, tierney...it was fantastic and i feel so so lucky and blessed to know such amazingly beautiful people- i dont care how stupid or cliche it is but you all make my world. all the time.
i never knew i could feel so happy and full of something good- its a comforting thought and a reassuring thought to know that there are people as full of love as you are. and i never thought i was capable of realizing that.
we played stupidvolleyball with a kickball from chris' car (???) and with balloons, aleks cleared up our theory 7ths problem which was great, (and also played beautiful music) we danced and boogied and made fun of ourselves to a huge range of music which floated together perfectly- lovely jeff knows every word it seems of aeroplane over the sea
dancing to marvin gaye's "lets get it on" really badly, the white man shuffle. yay for beautiful nights
we looked at stars and there were lots of twinkly lights and tiki torches and crazy beautiful presents ("its a butt!") like bath crayons and music and letter long cards and a microwaveable stuffed animal duck and there was a stupid crazy present (rubber!)(????). and of course to really up the sap factor the real gift was having such amazing people come to my house for an amazing night. we spun and danced and ate and drank and swung and made me explode with everything good. janine and jeff wanted to take a christmas card picture (janine's bright red hair and jeff's bright green mohawk with a backdrop of christmas lights = ....too amazing for words) but sadly we forgot. in the end it was a fantastic party summed up with a sigh and collapsing into bed. the last few guests trickled off as they called their parents who had fallen asleep or drove away in their cars and left me to clean up the brightly colored mess that would surface in the morning. sonia and i went upstairs, talked for hours, realized we were dead, and fell asleep. its so difficult to put such a bunch of complex events like a party into words.
in the morning we woke to the smell of blueberry sweet pancakes and the sound of a mayfly being lost in the expanse of my cathedral ceiling. we walked sleepily downstairs, ate, sleepily packed, and left for reading where we got doughnuts (but they spelled it donut) (happy) and pretty drinks and met soni's dad, whom we talked with and then we said goodbyes and it was sad and me and soni really need to hang out...all the time. because she's amazing
as we drove home i called sean, since before he promised me we would hang on sunday since he spontaneously couldnt come to my party on saturday. so then he tells me his car is dead. and then his mom yells she can drive us anywhere.
so sean being the crazy amazing person he is decides to drive us all the way to king richard's faire. and it was absolutely amazing.
and crazy.
he bought me an amazing hat for my birthday that is floppy and...amazing. i need a synonym for amazing
we watched jousting (yeah woohoo! ...) and i got asked "did you steal those shoes from a bowling alley? ....'mlady?" way to not break character. i felt dorky and it was happy and we had ye old fried dough and almost got sean fitted for a kilt and i saw a man dressed as a cow on stilts. and people selling roses were yelling ROSES! ROSES! and ROMANCE! LOVE! and then the salesperson next to her yells, ON A STICK! and you just see like....10 people smile to themselves and laugh thinking no one else heard. and it was brilliant.
After the millionth person asked Sean whether he'd buy a rose for "his lady" he goes "SHES NOT MY LADY!!" and the person laughed. sean kicks butt
he convinced me to try throwing knives at this board thing so he could laugh at me for a few minutes. he told me they wouldnt make any less damage if they were rocks, the way i was throwing them. and then he decides to teach me how AFTER i leave.
So it was silly and crazy and there were lots of silly crazy people yelling about their clothing shops and about how they would "MAKE YOUR BOSOMS FIRM AND ROUND!" right next to me and making me feel really awkward. A man running a ride was like, "Nice hat, now get in here" and another found out it was my birthday (even though it really wasnt, because my birthday had a thing this year about stretching itself over like...two weeks) and made a big production of singing me a song and it consisted of...
"THIS IS YOUR BIRTHDAY SONG
IT ISNT VERY LONG"
....and that was it
and i cant even imagine what their hiring process is like
so we drove home, listening to the souls of course and bobbing our heads and getting a lot of very very funny looks from people driving by. it was a beautiful day and even though i had to come home and do all my work, i still feel peaceful and happy. i feel like things are under control, and really deeply good, for once. i dont feel so empty anymore
and things are beautiful
and i dont know how to thank everything.
sure enough they'll know
baby So amazing
neOn collaGe: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
Aleks WCF: xHAPPY BIRTHDAYx
FrostiRain: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Mish8700: happy birthday darling
cezium07: happy birthday!! =) (based on your profile, assuming it's today)
X09 81230: Happy Birthday!
Defmutant4488: happy birthday
Cwinger13: extra happy birthday pour ewise
damage repeat: holy shit
damage repeat: HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELISE!!!!!!!!!!!
Beside the Dark: Happy Birthday!!!
Beside the Dark: oh wow, i guess i'm not the first....
heatheramble: hApPy BiRtHdAy, MoThA FuCkKa (gangsta style)
TheZovietDada: d'oh! Happy demi-belated birthday!
blewis573: well i guess ill join the rest.........Happy Birthday Elise!
wow. the love
it epitomizes them so much. i feel like i have a repitoire
i'm so lucky to know such beautiful and crazy pieces of this crazy something
so i'm 15, day has come; i dont feel any different. wellwishers seem much friendlier
makes me nervous how i'm getting older with the passing of time. i want to tell it to wait...think of how it would be if we grew younger as life went on. would we lose wisdom? would we fear the time when we couldnt understand life and death? where would we go? would we still gain wisdom?
i need to stop being so determined to "conquer the world", as others put it, and enjoy being my age. because i am my age. cant help that;
we grow up so fast these days
school has been fine, teachers are good...all very perceptive. talking in spanish in the hall with spanish teacher, tells me what i was thinking...sonnenburg walks by and starts talking in fluent spanish and tells my teacher mi cabeza was in el cielo. i smiled at that
i find myself mourning for lost time.
thursday, after school, me finn gen sarah karlin jeff janine tim dave kelly and anthony went to the dynasty for a quick something...crazy group. soy bottles in paper bags and eating sugar packets.
i asked for pineapples and the waiter was like .... pineapple?
and then he walked away
jeff was like
you arent special enough for pineapple
and i'm like its not my fault
and hes like YES IT IS, YOU WOULD BE IF YOU CARED
ten minutes later the waiter comes back with this beautiful tray of pineapple
it was brilliant
that night caitlin and i went to see hero for our weekly movie thing... it was absolutely beautiful, every scene was a work of art. so beautiful
some communist overtones but i suppose thats expected from a chinese film
i went to meet her at the spoon at 9ish, it was dark and i was a bit sketched out but she gave me this massively raspberry lime rickey that she called a lime kelley and i didnt get it.
we talked since there were no customers anyway, and drove off.
caitlin told me to pick a cd in the store and it would be my present. of course i chose the coveted frou frou cd and i've been listening to it nonstop ever since...
speaking of which, today i turned 15, as already established. emily and tierney called me early in the morning and yelled happy birthday into the phone. i love those guys.
i'm beginning to get a good grasp on what it means, the turning of age; really just outside perception, i suppose. well that obviously changes what i think of myself, but still.
today was a day of reflection. i went for a run, listened to a lot of music, slept in the sun coming through a window, stared at a garden snake and wondered what was going on in its head. it was a dim and beautiful day
i feel really good
we picked up rachel and i had indian food for dinner at curry leaf with her and the family. it was really nice, a lot of fun. everyone was so amiable and soft around the edges
lot of laughs about me being unladylike. and mom somehow managed to tell the management that it was my birthday without me knowing. and i ended up with three rose syrup dumplings and pistachio ice cream and a candle and a wish. it was beautiful
rachel nate and i drove to the house blasting rolling stones and zeppelin and danced and rachel and i looked at the beautiful books carcia gave me for my birthday, all black and white photography and lenswork and film. absolutely fantastic, hes so generous
and rachel's mom gave me a beautiful ring in this little crazy velvet pouch. nate gave me a book on the trends and patterns of civilization called "Guns Germs and Steel" which looks brilliant, and the Sandlot dvd, which also looks brilliant in an entirely different way.
tomorrow is my crazy work day, so is monday, but it was worth it for these nothing few days. i feel so full of love i dont know how anyone would ever deserve and i can sleep well feeling like i dont need to be more than i am.
goodnight
the daughter of a shiver
so today marked the beginning of the new, sophomore era. the 4th will mark the beginning of the new, 15 era. AND BOTH MILESTONES MEAN NOTHING EXCEPT THAT TIME IS PASSING
i think its brilliant how i went into the bathroom today and there were 8 or so freshman girls crowded around the 3 mirrors putting too much eye make up on and vogueing in the mirror checking out themselves.
i think its brilliant how the freshman are either 3 or 7 feet tall
i think its brilliant that i was a freshman last year
people are always strikingly amiable the first day; after seeing no one but the friends all summer, you're used to the hellos-at-public-places-hows-your-summer. and it takes so long for all of us to figure out...we're never this friendly. i'm giving it a day or so
i realized i confused myself, i dont think i built the birdhouse the day before yesterday, it was the day before that. the day before yesterday i went to ems, where i saw tierney em renee chris and matt for em's 15th, and saw napoleon dynamite, joked with people sitting behind us in the theater, had massive amounts of food, did circles around the mall, and took these in the beautiful photobooth. (i'll tell you my secret idea about that later.)
nate and i drove to school listening to when the levee breaks and it woke me right up.
figures the last day of summer is clear and brilliant blue, and the first day of school is humid and rainy and sticky.
the edges of school are the ones i cant stand; by february i'm in my element and by the end i just want to get out.
plus
school is a place for big sweaters and house-ness to offset the school-ness.
i love it when it snows in school. so much more tolerable, warm
began my photo course today
extremely excited
extremely
extremely
i'm excited for a lot of things, actually; birthday party, ems birthday party, my actual birthday, taking over as editor of lit mag, getting my beautiful pearl white roland ax-7, the sale at guitar center on the 6th, the long weekend, reading of mice and men, and so on and so forth...
looking around on lomography.com and god there is some gorgeous stuff; i've got my eye on the holga or oktomat, possibly something with a colorsplash flash;
not sure. i've got 200 dollars to spend all the sudden, after being broke for months;
but i sort of need to get a synth. and a hard drive (??)
i'm thinking i'm going to make a web site for lit mag
not too sure yet
might be a good idea
probably would be
right now with 2 total members including me i think it sort of needs a kickstart
people complimented my hair today
i dont think they realized it was pretty much exactly the same as the last few days of school, when i chopped it; maybe i'm just having a good hair day
unlikely
it was essentially 200% humidity in that godforsaken building of education
i may not be the youngest in the school anymore but i'm still the shortest
giving jim his birthday present tomorrow
maybe he wont tear my face off with his eyes if all goes well.
i just began getting sad about that recently when it hit me that he might as well have died in my tiny little bubble
i'm also really tired of being submissive
rather i'm tired of being reminded of being submissive
today was a quiet day
shining and brightly bland
happy trudge
so i'm supposed to write some grand entry summing up how summer has been, what things symbolize, blah blah, avant-garde bs, and so on.
well summer is closing and my second year of high school is about to begin.
and thats basically it.
i'm going to talk about my birdhouse.
i built a birdhouse yesterday. well, rather, rebuilt;
this old one my father got me 7 or 8 years ago just decided to rot and collapse so we...rebuilt it, and its beautiful and theres this little bird checking it out to see if he likes it.
i also made a birdfeeder out of a bagel.
thats all i did.
today we drove off to boston and found the daddy's junky music that had my beautiful keytar;
apparently i cant take it home till the 6th, but hot DAMN is that thing beautiful.
cannot wait.
i went to get a backpack and only then did i realize at that time 24 hours from then i would be...in school.
and i wasnt affected at all
i came home, wrote invitations, and so on.
things are very uneventful, and it doesnt matter too much to me.
i'm sort of apathetic about the whole thing.
i'm almost 15, almost the owner of the most beautiful keytar ever, almost a sophomore, almost happy and almost sad. i'm almost 5'3", almost a musician, almost a writer, almost a photographer, almost a good student. almost pretty, almost fun, almost confident.
its fun being an almost, you should try admitting it someday;
todays day was hot, in the 90s, some big shabam for the end of the summer. we ate at this little market called marche with an accent on the E. they gave you stamps for each food item you purchased, and had absolutely everything you could ever want.
it was so beautiful. they played eerie 50s music the entire time.
we visited the christian science center gardens, beautiful as always; found a garden 3 floors above street level in the middle of nothing. today was a good day
re-found my love for being alone, re-found my love for others. in a really bland almost way.
nothing quite like flat soda and people watching on a hot yellow 90 degree day.
have a nice something
all you can see is from the eyes up
what a fantastic day......
woke up early after a few hours of sleep, packed my bag, and was picked up by rachel...we drove to the train station and saw jen. (she looks lovely! very different, though...crazy. its taking some getting used to that its the same person inside. i wonder what would happen if my face changed so. she looked beautiful before, though, and still does. she seemed well.)
we rode the train in and laughed and observed and early morning light made everything seem beautiful. south station was splendid filled with golden light and golden people and we rode the red line to kendall and wandered about till we came about the pink of the garment district. we ruffled through piles and shoes and i got beautiful pumps and jen got beautiful hiking boots; i got some latin records which were fantastic.
upstairs finally opened....crazy sweaters dresses (rachel found her cotillion one!) i found a shirt that was from a bowler named dave but i couldnt afford it; instead i bought the loveliest shirt with an infinite town on it.
we shopped and had a lovely gaudy kitschy time. when it was time to go i found a beatnik cigarette holder; exactly like the ones we were making with pens at mikeys. i wouldve bought it for him if i had the money
so we left and went across the street with our trashbags feeling hoboesque to this beautiful little flower store in a silvery building.
i was looking for a flower to buy to brighten a stranger's day; we explored, found an empty room with hundreds of floating holographic ovals with eyes like the most delicate and simple school of fish.
i decided on a sun colored gerber daisy and the shopowner was splendidly nice; it made me smile the rest of the day. he gave me a blue ribbon in a bow around it, the loveliest color combination, and wished us well.
we walked down to kendall station, ate a little lunch in the pretty food court, talked, looked for flower candidates, walked outside to see a wiry man playing bells in the middle of the courtyard in some sort of shiny jazz arrangement that perfectly matched the weather today.
carrying around a tangerine flower and a trashbag full of records and clothing, i felt rather conspicuous; but the strange looks i was getting were fascinating.
the subway ride home, uneventful, with the exception of the rediscovery of the magnificent hammer-and-chimes in the station.
at south station we were a little early. we were talking when i spotted a somewhat gloomy looking tired traveler surrounded by bags and a bad feeling.
jen mentioned him; i walked over and said,
"Hi, um, you looked like you needed cheering up, so heres a daisy."
and i held it out and there was this strange silence and then he grinned dimly and confusedly and said, "Really?"
pause.
"....thanks!"
and he gave me the brightest sweetest smile and i walked away. (he never looked back.)
it was brilliant to get a smile.
we left and walked off to downtown crossing. outside south we saw a man giving away free boston heralds for some cause, and i took one, the moocher i am.
walking down the street i saw a man finding change in his pocket to buy the newspaper i was holding, so i was like, here. and hes like what? and i'm like its the same paper. and hes like oh, thanks.
and it felt nice. i wonder how their days went.
we walked through downtown crossing to the common, getting blatantly checked out by this one man we poked fun of later and watching crazy squirrels. rachel waved at a truck and it stopped and a guy came out with a pole and went AHHHH! to scare us.
then we realized he was joking adn from the boston park service.
and we laughed for a long long time.
and so did the guys in the truck. "they were FREAKED! hahahaha"
it was brilliant. ahh.
we talked about jen's businessman and saw "a squirrel having sexual relations with the ground!!"
funny shaped chesthair was strange,
lady carrying bag of chestnuts tamed park chipmunks and lent me two nuts. and i tamed them too. she had crazy white hair.
we talked about silly tissues up noses, jen called adrian, i called trevor but then the crazy park man ran out so i hung up before anyone answered by mistake. we saw hobos and college kids and crazy park animals and "the sign from god!'
as the clock struck two we realized we shoudlve been going; as me and rachel walked back without the jen and saw street performers; the train home was delayed, we looked at everyone's eyes over the seats, talked, laughed, felt asleep. and all of the sudden i am home and in pumps.
the weather was brilliant today.
the today was brilliant today.
i'm getting my hair cut in less than 2 hours! woo frivolity.
everything was brilliant today
it has been the craziest end.
my life feels like a gritty old beach full of trash and lined with fishermans huts and stories. a turtle on its back.
the last few days. ahh god. it has zoomed and zoomed by.
went to see a bad movie with caitlin, ended up exploring the theater, singing, having drinks in chilis and getting strange looks and ordering off the kids menu. filled us with the beginnings of a crazy friday, when i had nothing to do. caitlin and i, after searching and searching for a somewhere to go, decided to hold a party in the common celebrating having nothing to do on friday nights.
we left millions of messages and hitched a ride in the back of his van and brought my cds and radio. we danced and rachel came. and then we had to go home because of beautiful rain.
we knew we needed to escape so we called finn.
finn picked us up with mikey who looked like he was going to a gay disco...we drove around, crazy; as the sun began to die we went to wendy's, smoked and ate fries and destroyed the tray and yelled about refills. our dr pepper tasted like beer, which got us nervous, so we left for bj's and drove through the rat's nest in milford, quite scared and arrived at this crazy million story tenant building that sketched the hell out of me.
we climbed up rickety wooden steps to meet bj dan and two other people, one old and rocking back and fort on a stool with a beer, and the other in the corner. they told disgusting jokes and smoked. a lot. and stared at us.
caitlin and i were uncomfortable and finn and mikey were finally ready to go after we deduced the dr pepper was not beer;
i saw a baby carriage in their apartment
it made me nervous
anyway, we drove off to mikey's grandmother's (???) and it smelled a bit like cats and we had soda and talked about her teapots and the past; what an interesting woman. then bj called finn simply to tell him that caitlin and i were hot. hm. finn hung up
we left and drove off and decided to go to brighams and visit sarah and get free ice cream. finn peed on a car or in the shed or something crazy and we got ice cream and noticed sarah was wearing 3d glasses...she said john k. gave them to her, so we decided LETS SHOW UP AT JOHNS. driving away eating ice cream we arrived at johns, nervously close to my house; knocked on both house's doors and finally found him. mikey went in and used the bathroom and confused the hell out of john's family.
we went outside and finn/mikey/john smoked as we all talked, cars drove by and i hid behind finn, and then they had the BRILLIANT IDEA of flashing the cars so john finn and mikey decided to touch eachother and wave and lift their shirts and etc and a car STOPPED.
i thought it was my parents.
finn ran and jumped off this rock wall thing and i followed panicking and i didnt realize it was around 7 feet off the ground; i was stuck in this crazy sheep thing
the car was talking and thought they were "flagging it down" hahahaha.
ah brilliant.
so john lifted us up somehow because he is crazy strong and we all went inside.
we went to the boat-house and were watching the olympics, jumping around on the futon and all the sudden finn was putting a wiffleball or something in his pants
and there were tons of 3d glasses and then they were watching porn and we were making fun of them
and then they went out for a smoke and john gave me and caitlin head massages which was heavenly.
wow run on sentence.
then john's dog got skunked and the air was coming in through the windows and we tried to put a fan on only we realized it was blowing the wrong way and turned it off;
then (i think?) we went to mikeys, somewhere in there; i sort of forget what happened there other than crazy pitbulls that were nice and kitties named horatio and lots of smoke and swearing and finn drinking ms. l's sunkist; we stood around for a bit and talked and things and then we got driven to caitlins by john.
we went in, watched crazy TV for a bit till it was 12:30pm when we called john and locked the door and climbed out the tiny window stunningly ungracefully.
we walked down the street and as we reached the end we saw john, only we didnt think it was him because there were two people in the car; but then we saw it was mikey.
we drove to mikeys and watched kill bill and kill bill 2 and there was a lot of talk of movies and life and crazy things.
around 5:30am we decided we should probably be getting back; john drove us to the edge of the street and we climbed back through the window, even more ungracefully; it was beginning to get light out and the room was crazy buggy.
we, quite out of it and smelling like smoke turned on pretty in pink. when that finished and the incense burned down further and we felt brightened, we chose another 80s movie (this time with the outstanding karate kid we all know i love dearly) called crossroads (not britney, dont worry) and it was great and by that time it was maybe 8 in the morning.
somewhere between those we made chocolate chip pancakes and listened to clouds.
when the movie ended we decided to make ourselves feel somewhat less horrible.
after this we talked about how that day felt like it flowed in one big...beam of hour and minute and smoke and puddles.
i feel brilliant still. john mentioned seizing the day, as he drove us home. if someone offers you something, take it. then he invited us to a party the day before my birthday. i swear.
the doorbell rang. i packed up thinking it was my ride.
turned out it was random man saying caitlin had a driving lesson. so i was left on a rainy streetcorner waiting with my stereo and the 200 cd binder seeming to go everywhere nowadays.
i ended up in natick that day, examining things i couldnt afford and contemplating a hole in my lip;
getting home i took pictures and wrote and wrote. recieved letters i would never return. found a jesus pin somewhat like an ivory brooch.
finn picked me up and me him caitlin and sarah drove to mikeys, where we met evan; we all talked and had soda and realized john bought ms L sunkist to make up for finn's drinking it.
colors began to blur into permanent sepia. we watched valleygirl, somewhere in there drove to cumby's to pick up cigarettes but no one had an ID, obviously; caitlin and sarah didnt come so i bought a candy bar for them (mikey was nice enough to lend money), we drove home and talked (i thought the evan guy was 20! crazy.) and the night was absolutely beautiful.
we watched something else, i dont even remember; the night sort of dragged on, we ended up going to cumby's again and victor was there, and when he mentioned an ID ( ) slapped down a permit. priceless
anyway they all left with strawberry cigars and finn went off with sarah to walk a dog, or something;
caitlin and i waited for my father to pick us up on the little crazy porch with evan and mikey smoking and lots of crazy conversation.
i came home and simply collapsed, though failing to sleep.
the next morning i was dazed throughout and realized i was dying. so i decided to sleep.
for hours and hours and hours.
then i told myself i was going to do my AP work and never did.
i wrote a poem.
and fell asleep again.
then i woke up and walked and walked.
i forget the rest of the night.
monday was a nothing; tuesday i was woken up because roche came over with a check and i had to come down in my pj's...but i got paid, which was outstanding; somehow i ended up out with my mom eating indian food and on a quest for new bowling shoes and i ended up buying 20 dollars worth of frames as well as replanning the crazy boston trip.
i came home and neatened up. took a bath, felt clean, lovely, and worthy of sleep. and then i slept.
my computer just decided to delete almost everything i wrote.
i woke up at 12 exactly to an abandoned house and sunlight and fresh breeze blowing through an open window and tickling my face and arms. it was lovely.
i ventured downstairs and made pancakes, didnt eat any... walked upstairs, got dressed, went and layed spread eagle on the roof. i had fallen asleep when the phone rang.
"Elise?"
it was finn. roundrobin talks. what do you think of evan. why. what do you think. why. curiosity. etc etc. slushy, ashland, hess gas station, what do you think of evan, he's nice, so nice is your official opinion on him, why, shut up, alex you called me, fine, he thinks youre cute, laughing, i wouldnt date him, i know but you have strange taste in guys, what makes you say that, you went to cotillion with me, yeah but you were wearing a suit.
the conversation continued till he realized he was supposed to be at his job in 2 minutes ago. (since when did finn have a job)
we hung up, i returned to my roof, had almost fallen asleep again when phone rang again, it was caitlin.
"ITS MOVIE WEDNESDAY AND WE STILL DONT HAVE PLANS"
long story about the movie wednesday thing, but
we drove off to bellingham, got tickets beforehand of course, and went to newbury comics. and this is where things get interesting.
THE awesome-change-man/hug-cashier/etc was there. and we talked.
and his name is trevor.
...and i have his number. and he is one pretty specimin
we finally figured out how to afford my cd and we ran off giggling like the girls we are.
to linens and things. where we found the ugliest way to furnish a house and cheap chocolate.
running with 5 minutes to the movie we arrived just in time to miss the "2wenty" stupid advertisements.
there was an amazing man alone at the movies in front of us who laughed at all the things we did. which was great.
garden state was outstanding.
not only because of the fantastic soundtrack. (every song but 1 i had the album of. and that one album is the one i keep going to newbury's for...never can afford it though. hot damn.)
lots of talking and silliness and chocolate and laughs and what an outstanding movie.
caitlin thought they were smoking pot. (they were smoking crack).
that made my day
anyway, as we left we danced and we passed one of those rip-off stuffed animal claw machines.
caitlin puts money in.
2 out of her 3 tries she won things.
halfway down the strip we realized the animals were really obnoxious. so caitlin wrote a poemnote on the the tag of one and we left them sitting on a bench for some little innocent to find.
after scary mister i-drive-with-one-hand drove by 2 more times staring at us attempting to look alluring we were picked up and drove home with her mother the criminologist talking about the differences between crack and coke.
hm.
now i'm home with a beautiful cd anxiously awaiting tomorrow and astounded at another number and with hair that needs a cut and a stomach full of pointed nothing.
aleks still isnt answering any of his phones or being online.
i'm really nervous. i care about that kid.
sick blood love affair
so i had one of those days of dissatisfaction. buried myself till noon, i feel mechanized. i feel like i've been bloodletting.
i had one of those nights where i got stuck on two songs and worked for a pointless hour to make another temp.
something's wrong with my head, third day of aches now, and not the normal sort
i'm still procrastinating and still worrying.
i'm just not getting it right. i keep finding papers hidden in little corners of my room with phone numbers i dont know and i'm afraid to call.
i got a hole punched in me today
and it let my ego fly into our murky hurricane's face and off through the atmosphere.
glorifying small things.
I guess its time to play catch-up with the little things that have filled almost a month.
I dont know the order. (Blurs arent usually very orderly.)
Rachel and I went to the Danforth museum of art and that was a ton of fun; we stopped at a tag sale, she got an old detective had an i got a gold musketeer, a lampshade, big costume jewelry, and a mug that says:
i wish i were a China Cup
from which you drink your tea
for then i know at every sup
you'd give a kiss to me
Its quite beautiful; i wonder what the hopeless romantic ceramicist(??) was like.
Anyway they let us in almost free because they liked our bad tag sale clothing.
We played in the childrens room with the artsy toys and commented on every piece and then went outside and sat on cement and had a much needed catch-up on eachothers' lives.
We drove home, watched Ghostbusters (i was a ghostbusters virgin!) and had sugar popcorn and it was outstanding.
Some days after that, on Wednesday Caitlin and I went to Bellingham to see the Village, but we went to Newbury as always (we bought our tickets beforehand this time, so we didnt spend all our money on cds and have none left for tickets like before. Quick learners!) and i talked to this kickin cash register guy and told him to have a happy day and talked about the movie.
Caitlin and I fed off eachother's energy as always, had a ton of fun, thought the movie was great, really REALLY funny group of people behind us thought i died (i'm sort of a wimp, sorry kids) and when we went out, we went past newbury comics (closed) but I noticed mr-i'm-awesome cashier guy was still there. I knocked on the window. Only no one noticed because they always have loud music. Knocked again. Nothing. Gave up. Began to walk away. Walked back. Knocked again. Caitlin knocked with me.
He turns around, and i give him the COME HERE NOW sign with my hands and he goes to the door, and out of absolutely nowhere rushes 30-odd prepubescents asking ARE YOU OPEN ARE YOU OPEN etc
so i go to the guy as he cracks open the door and i'm like,
I know you arent open but uh can i have a hug?
and he says,
Yeah! Uh...yeah.
We hug and then he starts asking me about the movie and i felt like i made a new friend till i got home and realized i had no idea what his name was and the fact that he was probably another 20 year old made me sort of sad, but it still was great.
Friday we went to Bob's and Janine came along, and it was a ton of fun (if randomly the only cold day in a long while, figures.) We drive there and heard some really really strange music, talked about everything, swam, floated away, went tubing, practically died, made big circles in the grass and ate cookies. It was a nice day.
After I got home I took a shower and went off to Em's to see her and rachel, and to talk; lots of fun, we watched the first video of Titanic because we're saps and because we cant handle the sad half.
Sat on the driveway like a year ago, looked at stars and planes, felt happy.
Sunday the parents wanted to try out their new kayaks, so me and rachel tagged along and went to the lovely park. I was walking over to get a kayak when someone says,
Hey elise!
and i turn and its PAT! so that was cool. we talked about his crazy rabbit i was taking care of that is practically a dog (it runs like a dog and looks like a dog. and smells like a dog) (but it's still awesome) I didnt realize he worked at the boat rental place.
So I'm off and me and rachel explore the little islands and attempt to skip stones only I still stink at it. We had a splash-paddle fight which i lost horribly, then we went under this tiny bridge under a road to a secret little river that was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Leaving it someone wrote on the hidden side of the bridge, SMILE.
It was lovely.
Sometime during the week I went to the movies with Katie, saw chick flick that was surprisingly good (and this is me saying this) said hey to billy, found out the name of crazyawesomenewbury guy from random cashier (its trevor.) and drove home fast to get katie home.
wednesday we left for PA; college searching.
7 hours later we arrived! (Yes.) We basically drove with the storm, but its alright...the rain was beautiful. I listened to a lot of music and straightened a lot of things out in my head. We actually saw 3 accidents happen right in front of us...it was pretty scary. I felt lucky. (lovely arguments about whether east and west connect)
apple store panera berry white.
The hotel receptionist was awesome and we had a great conversation about...meat. (i know, i know). She was a character.
We left early after a freezing night in the hotel room and an amazing hotel breakfast. We got to Villanova...toured, learned, met college-bound kids, etc. Towards the end of the day I was talking with a professor who was setting us up with some info and shes like, so youre looking at grad schools?
and it was just
....
i'm 14
and shes like OH WOW I DIDNT MEAN IT IN A BAD WAY YOU JUST
and on and on and on like always.
it was sort of sad
So anyway, we drove from Villanova to the next hotel, only we missed the exit and there was something like 20 miles of divided highway between exits, so it took us over an hour to turn around and go the other way. But we drove through this beautiful valley, where clouds hung heavily and we traveled through a tunnel that went straight through a mountain. It was unbelievable.
We went to have dinner at a little bar restaurant filled with smoke and drunks. I hate drunks. So so much.
I tried to not let it ruin my dinner but then some huge ordeal happened directly behind me.
We got back to the hotel and watched a girl wrestler try to beat up joey buttafuoco (yes!) only she lost (no!)
and then screech from saved by the bell beat up someone else.
(thats why i dont normally watch TV.)
We went to Lafayette the next day, met a great engineer who had a beautiful life, walked around the campus, had a big happy lunch, and began the long, long long drive home.
We got so stuck in traffic we took a random exit off to get dinner, and when we got back, we recognized all the same cars.
In an hour, we hadnt lost any ground.
Talking about jesus trucks and truckers and what rest stop loitering really means and traffic from the beginning to hartford.
The drive was lovely, though, "sitting stupid" everyone slowly began to drift into making absolutely no sense. And finally, late at night, we arrived home and collapsed.
Saturday I woke up around 12, talked to caitlin on the phone, enjoyed the absolutely perfect day, got ready for the concert and off we went.
When we arrived at the firehouse, who do we see but Finn! with John Burke, Mikey, Stackpole and some kid i dont know but I'm sure he's lovely.
So we walk inside, and I see Christine, and she's with her friends Ben and Jen (comment on the art, "wait youre only 14?" again.). And we run around and find crazy staircases and mazes and squishy rust-colored chairs and massive amounts of art (???) and it was amazing. So we run back up after realizing most of the trip was initially pointless. We see aleks! and I give him the lit mag.
Somewhere in all this, the band begins to play (Special Fredd), theyre absolutely fantastic...sort of....really rough jazz. Amazingly unique. I ask about a tee shirt, they guy says theyre 8 but he'd give one to me for 6. (but i never ended up buying one. sad)
so the next band was up...they were great, very together (Therefore I Am) and somewhere in all this Mandy, Bri, and JB show up (which is fantastic because i havent seen them, especially mandy, almost the entire summer! so we screamed and hugged and were stupid and danced and talked.) And then Chris C. showed up, which was awesome because he's leaving for arizona EXTREMELY soon.
So we had a big group, and there was great music and this kid in a bright pink shirt who looked so out of it who had this crazy smile on his face and kept looking at me and talking crazy. lovely night
anyway we were people watching and laughing and being silly and it was a great night.
Aleks and his band (When Curtains Fall) were third up, and they were great; started out a little worried but i thought they were flawless. The photographers were all over aleks. (only he kept moving so they started getting angry. it was amazing to watch) A bunch of people went up to the stage after they finished their set and gang hugged/crushed aleks. Feel the love.
Last band was great, (A Loss for Words) extremely tight and energetic and catchy and just all around fantastic. At the end of the concert most of the goodbyes were already said and we were left with Caitlin and I salsa-ing to grit music.
Only we cant salsa.
We met a bunch of great people (if you can call "This is _____ hes awesome" meeting someone) we ended up waiting outside and I played bongos on the traffic meters, talked to some guys from one of the bands, i forget which, a kid named brandon yelled something to me while driving away and it was completely unintelligible but the whole crowd seemed really full of love and awesome feeling. for the most part.
there was a lot of thanks-for-coming and nice-to-see-a-new-face. It felt really great and I left feeling like I filled the night with something worthwhile.
Today, I got up early to the most beautiful sound of Charlie raining his way through. We went to visit Meme, she's recovering beautifully and it was great to see her again (I brought her the thing I wrote her) and we talked about everything. She's an amazing person; I really would be so happy with myself if i was half the person she was.
She told me a few years ago that I was like a plant, and now I was budding. Today she told me I had turned into a flower. I almost cried. (I was having an off day.)
She's such a beautiful person. I cant wait till she's up and feeling like herself again.
I got home and had to clean the house but afterwards I could relax, and it was nice to hear the rain on the roof.
I'm sort of sleepy now. I've been working on a lot of things, thinking about the future...i've been having a really bad day. Just...so panicked about everything. Hopefully, hopefully, things will improve.
...not that I should be complaining.
Golden bird that flies away.
Today was...spectacular. I am so full of events, happenings, memories, bad food...
I got up a tad early after basically falling unconscious and being dragged upstairs by my mother...I wasnt waking. So i slept and slept.
And woke. Forgot breakfast, packed my crazy bag and drove off to the T station...where i saw jonesy, adam, and jb (?!!) who said they were going to the Dispatch concert. Then renee and chris showed up, said the same.
Jen katie and I got on the train and enjoyed the grafitti and peoplewatching...it was beautiful and we talked and woke up. Upon arriving at south station we met a strange man with a puppy that was 7 weeks old and the man made fun of it for looking up my skirt. We talked and he was nice and we wished eachother well, a good start to our day. We walked to chinatown to look for bubble tea, and we found it! The most lovely fruit shakes with little pearls...ah. Heaven in a cup, bubble tea.
We drank that and went in kitchy sketchy stores. Katie and I bought shoe-slippers for 6 dollars. Probably will last a day, but theyre beautiful. In a weird cheap sort of way.
We walked around, saw sketchy blonde woman with banana, looked down streets and made fun of cheap macys jewelry no one wanted to buy. We also had the toy-doll presidents have a conversation. (Bill Clinton and George W. Bush disagreed a lot. Clinton kept talking about the middle class.)
We walked to downtown crossing and went in CD stores, lots of great and interesting people...crazy bagel cutter machine, tempurature getting unbearable at this point. We went and got a little lunch and free peaches, and staked our claim on the Common to watch Much Ado about Nothing. It was great, though we basically baked in the sun...even I burned. Just a bit on my cheeks though. It sort of makes me look excited about everything.
So anyway, you cant go wrong with Shakespeare and it was splendid...after it was done, we figured out how to get to the hatch shell, took the sub, made our way like little ants and lemmings, followed the crowd, and we were there, and the LAST DISPATCH SHOW EVER. for free. We decided to stay a few hours, and it was great. Beautiful music...bit too much body heat, and it was already sweltering... we sat out on the docks on the charles for a while, dipping our feet in. I wanted to go swimming but no one else consented. We looked at clouds, thought, heard the music drift almost ghostlike out over the water. Then, we saw Vera and her (coughATTRACTIVEcough) cousin. they were supposed to be in florida (!?!? michigan? something) so it was crazy that we found them. We pushed our way through the crowds and listened to the lovely music and saw the lovely musicians, back again for one last show. I got in a conversation with the guy next to me about the music and how people seemed to need pot to keep their attention...how strange it was. He made a comment on how young everyone was here, 20s or so. Thats when I realized how young I really am.
He looked 20. He must have been older.
It seems strange. Why do I have to think like this? So out of place.
Nonetheless, we decided there was too much bad chemical going around so we began to migrate towards the outskirts of the crowd. We were in a free juice line when who was it but, adam and jonesy! They talked to us a bit and it was nice to hang out with them a little.
We took the sub back and found a tiny little wendies with strange contemporary lighting and furniture, and a beautiful man who looked porcelain and had a shiny new tattoo. I wanted to ask him his story.
Though I didnt, and we walked back to south station, looking at little cars and people like ants...South station looked much more comforting in half-evening light, and we got a bit of something to eat and talked, and laughed. Looked at the little flipping signs. Sang little songs and felt full of music. And boarded our train and found our seats, laughing half asleep and fatigued all the way to framingham about our loves standards lives anything our little juvenile hearts could process at such an hour. We arrived at the stop and resubmerged ourselves in the sticky air...I drove home with the skylight open and my fingers weaving through. It was a beautiful day today, a full day, a worthwhile day; day enough to call it a day. I came home sticky and with dry eyes, but I'm showered and fresh and...sleepy. Tonight, finally, contentedly, I'll sleep. Jen and Katie...you guys are amazing. Thanks for literally making my day today. Good luck to Jen, before her crazy-big day.
I'm sore and tired and happy. Things are really beautiful right now, and not only do I feel blessed, I feel I deserve it, for making the efforts I've been making to change things and help things. I feel as though I'm getting somewhere, after all this. That i'm taking the right direction, finally.
Goodnight.
Bitter like finger smooth.
Things are beginning to pull out of a stall; I've been able to write with correct mechanics and things, which is a plus...
Lots of thinking, cleaning has been done. 5 more trashbags.
Some day a little while ago, I forget which, Sean and I went to a hockey game at the most beautiful, amazing arena. A beautiful little miniature world of whirling blades and the smells of fried food and hard sweat. He couldnt play, because of his ankle, and we were destroyed anyway. Still, it was nice to spend time with Sean, and nice to see my first hockey game, ever.
Ben waved at us from the goal and thought he saw two of his mother. (only it was just both of us in the same shade of CRAZY ABRASIVE HURTS-MY-EYES orange.)
Sean and I drove home squished in the front of the pickup and decided to walk to O'tooles. We had pizza, made the waitresses angry. Ben snuck up behind us somehow, put his hands over my eyes. I thought it was Ian because he made a bad noise. Go figure.
So now we were wreaking havoc on this poor little irish pub. Ben snorted pepper (???) we were loud and rowdy and I was thoroughly embarassed but hey, it was a good laugh. Something i needed. I love you guys.
We left a massive tip for our waitress because we (coughTHEY) were horrible. As sean and I snuck out the door trying to ditch ben, he ran around. I saw his little green dumpster bike and felt compelled to ride it no-feet down the hill, towards the lake.
I almost ran over Ben. (whoops.) And then we almost got run over. And then Sean and Ben jumped into eachothers arms and acted all surprised and taken aback when i turned around. It was complicated and ridiculous and fantastic and we walked/biked/hopped all the way back like that. Well, sort of.
Ben went back to his house with his decrepit bike and Sean and I walked to the beach, where we used the swings and walked on boulders, skipping stones. (Mine was more of a...throwing and sinking.) We talked about life, parents, boundaries, time. Things got put perfectly into perspective for me, and Sean never fails to be this preemptive force redeveloping things in my life for me.
We realized we had 5 minutes to make it home, so we began to sprint. Sean passed me in less than a second and thundered down the road...till we saw Ian (ian???) walking down the street in his fear the turtle tee shirt. It turns out he had been sent out to find us. But now that he'd found us, we decided to keep running. Till the pickup drove up, so we leaped over the sides and rode in the back to Seans, making it in time for my father.
Yesterday Nate woke me up early and we went driving around, getting lost in rounds and do not enters and right on reds. We finally made it to Wendy's and he made fun of my total-starch meal, the only thing vegetarian not a salad on their menu. Only wait. Thats right. Their salads have meat.
So anyway I had a potato and french fries. urghalasdfscqwepqpowieurqpowmzxqrowimer. I felt disgusting so when I got home, i decided to pound out the disgusting like never before...I put on actual sneakers, a fast paced set of tunes and ran, down from my house over a mile, then walked five. I've never run over a mile before, much less a mile itself. Small glory, I know, but its something. It makes me happy to feel my leg muscles on my calves...I've been running almost every day now. I never used to be able to do this.
I came home, jumped in the pool with my clothes on, took a cold shower, did some publishing research, wrote more, finalized robotics girl plans, blah blah, productive productive...so unlike me....
I went to bed that night feeling satisfied but totally and completely awake. I sat for maybe 2 hours till I realized I probably wasnt going to fall asleep very soon. So I picked up a book.
I finished the 400+ page novel and it was 3. This was about the time I had fallen asleep last night...and the night before was a little earlier. My eyelids were still light, my head aware. I sat and waited and waited.
After a few hours I noticed the light in the windows begin to change; it was 5. The quick transition from navy to cadet to a foggy gray of the condensation on my windows distracted me... all of the sudden, it was 6. Parents early morning noises and groggy exercises clashed and clanged and padded through the air. It was 6:45, and I decided to go down. And I caught a glimps of myself, eyes puffy but still darting from no sleep; I just wasnt tired. I wouldve fallen asleep if I was.
Around 8 I decided to go running again. My legs had grown sore from the day before but I went anyway...jogged a while, walked a while. I got home around 9:30 after a few miles, took a shower; brother wasnt awake. Enjoyed the morning.
Today was a good day, a bright day. I returned my library book, from March. I went to another "emergency meeting" and theyre going better. My thoughts keep drifting off to semi sleep and my body stays awake. This is eerie when writing...breaking into a narrative. Eerie. I dont feel tired, though. I feel...healthy. Strong. Full of this crazy explosive vitality that will punch anyone into life the minute I speak to them.
Tomorrow is my day to bless Boston...and for Boston to bless me and friends with its superb smells and sights and faces; wrinkles and freckles and grafitti that shows the time. The city puts things in perspective. I know it will.
Broke everything I knew again, everything I loaned. Everything I loved, everything I loathed.
For me, boring for you. (below.)
Things around the house were getting progressively more malignant till like a storm the clouds broke and out came the brilliant blue of a friend. Sean and I went to Fahrenheit 9/11. We got swindled and salesman-ed and crazyness for some charity, they cornered us.
We ate more than we shouldve and talked about everything. And it was nice.
Michael Moore...not a fan. Sound bite whore, uses little shock-appeal tactics to access a demographic not intelligent enough to tell the difference between a political argument and a stupid man. Liberal propaganda. However, all of the pointless fishing and golf jokes aside (honestly, what president doesnt? a bit of a wasted argument) the core was there, presenting a certain level of disgusting factuality. That, to me, has enough of a shock factor to get across to most without any frills...but you need something to make money off of, huh.
Anyway, lots of fun with sean, and I really want to see him again. Lots of cleaning, lots of reading novels in one night, lots of....not being able to sleep. Lots of thinking about keody and how jen is going and figuring out...everything. Lots of inspiration with crawford about music and poetry. Found a video microscope. Was happy.
I'm trying very, very hard to use full sentences and correct punctuation. I had sort of melted into nothing-english because nothing else was truly functioning, so why should my first language. I'm trying to be optimistic now. So I'm trying to write well. Function, function, function. "Emergency Meeting" on Tuesday. That should be interesting, perhaps bringing this whole ordeal to a close.
I'm still talking with david, sort of. I really want to go back to the island.
I havent been in contact with many people, simply because I realized how much it hurt me to be around them. Not...physically...or anything, its just, I feel better off now. Though it's amazing how much people feel they need to live life with someone by their side... human weakness.
Friday night after crazy-cleaning and having a very bad hair day, caitlin invited me to go to the movies (bourne supremacy) with her, manda, and kata at 9:45, so I did. We went early and found funny fabric and kata got lost so a woman in the store was asked directions and it was nice. I tried to tell them not to go into newbury comics because we would spend all our money on music and not have enough for the movie, but they didnt listen. And guess what happened. Yeah.
We walked to the movies under warm yellow streetlight and I felt good, for the first time in a long time. We got in, bought tickets with Kata's money, were sort of late so got front and center seats and practically had epilepsy during all the shot scenes, but it was a really nicely done(if anticlimactic and depressing) movie. We saw billy and he talked to us a bit. And then we walked around outside and enjoyed the empty parking lot at midnight. It was quite beautiful.
manda drove all of us home except kata and i couldnt fall asleep, again. so i read a novel. again.
Saturday woke up because i only slept maybe 2 hours at 7 to clean the house so I could leave. After super-cleaning and then packing in 3 seconds I was off to happy Marblehead! to see the lovely Soni! (hooray!)
It was nice and we met at the funny little gas station and drove to her house. And then we had amazing pizza and cylinder-dessert and our waiter was named Dante (and he worked at an open brick oven!) and he ALWAYS SPOKE LIKE THIS. VERY FORCEFUL. NOT LOUD, just very THIS IS YOUR ORDER.
And he sang to himself as he walked around. I think he made my night.
We went home and played lots of stupid video games and laughed and listened to music (super love!) and decided to watch Microcosmos, this really beautiful french film (supposedly a "kids" film but quite honestly...i think it would scare kids) about the miniature world...perfect inspiration for crawford and I's project. It was astounding. I loved it. I want to watch it again. Thank you Mao. (soni and I still havent sent him a letter...)
Spending time with the whole L-M family was really nice. Everyone eventually drifted off to bed except me and sonia, so we spent maybe an hour looking for the Lost in Translation DVD without getting anywhere, deciding we'd ask her dad in the morning.. then we talked, listened to music, looked up lyrics, found really bad translations on sixthousand japanese songs and looked for the dvd again (failed to find it) and found photos. Somehow it ended up 4:30 in the morning and we werent really making any sense. We were dancing around to dir-en-grey. Huh. And then we went upstairs and passed out.
Woke up in the morning to annoying phone sound. Talked to blood half asleep hung up drifted in and out for an hour, went downstairs. Had happy toast. And nectarines. And listened to noisy music.
We hung about the house till we realized we ate breakfast at lunchtime. Watched the tour-de-france, got inspired, went on a biking adventure through two parallel fences and shrubs into a utopian creepy neighborhood, then out again and through the streets to town, where soni and I went to crosby's to get our fizzy soda and candy fix.
We rode up and down confusing hills to fort sewall, where we watched waves and pigeons and cliffs...and talked about a lot of things. It was a beautiful day, good for naps. A good day to be tired.
Strange old man talking into his hand tried talking to me about beavers and igloos and eskimos. Man letting us pass glared at us and short hair. "Ladies"
We felt weirded out. We biked away.
Up and down pretty hills my gears clicking funny and busses pulling by.
We got home just as the evening light began making contrast of everything, sat on the front porch swing and knocked on wood. Talked about things, realized I had been up 31 out of the last 37 hours, realized we werent making any sense at all, went back inside. Packed up, loaded car, drove to amazing dub-reggae version of dark side of the moon, arrived at funny gas station. Went home.
I'm here, now, my alkali prints still havent flattened, and I'm in a bit of a dark mood, simply because I'm home.
I've made a list of things I cant afford and things I would really like. Its sort of sad.
Ipod and Voice recorder. - 440$.
Keytar. (hot damn!) - 150$ish.
High end manual SLR 35mm camera for photography course next year. - God knows.
"Haunted Weather" compilation - 20$.
External Hard Drive - 80$.
Hmm. Too bad i've got 3 dollars.
My purchases in the last 3 days have been a movie ticket, a CD for 4.99, and coconut juice.
I think I need a job.
Speaking of which, I went over to the Baypath Humane Society the other day, walked in, said "Hi, I'm Elise, (etc etc etc) I heard you were hiring"
"Um. No. We arent. Unless I'm losing my job and someone didnt tell me." (laughs from humane cronies.)
"Oh. Okay. Thanks...anyway."
so thats my spectacular first attempt.
things have been nice, i've been able to lose myself in a number of things... hopefully katie rachel jen and I will go off to boston... and hopefully I'll get a job.
goodnight.
i dont really feel like anyone
what i would like to amount to
when the time comes for me to go
i hope that i've made a collective positive impact on the world
to not add to the grief and sorrow
to not detract from the joy people need to see, hear, feel
i'd feel fulfilled
if i could make this just a little bit better. you're all too beautiful to be less than alright
i'm helping it pass by passing the time.
Who knew, soon as I lapse into myself and drop my little mask I find the most beautiful...i dont know,
this grandiose pure wonder of innocence and love.
I love public transportation
Miles and miles of perfect skin, hair like black feathers and a smile to kill
Straightforward;
"It makes me happy when people say hi to me"
crazy blue-white and gray days and purple sandy nights spotting boats on the horizon by looking beyond, sprinting down the sandy roads to avoid father-anger, in the wind
always cold
always happy and content and seeing you smiling down at me looking like the epitome of peace with half the beach in your hair and the other half in mine
it makes me feel so full, so purely alright that i felt i could never leave
it was so perfect, so
clean so reachable and comforting to know i could walk across the little thundering bridge and down the street
where i know you'd be
to get away from the house and my father and mother
i've never met someone who wonders about people like i do
watching the woman in the red dress
finding shoes on the point, a secret candy store in the back of a watersports building
i've never met someone so sincere, without all of these facetious put-ons, so perfect; god
your stories and ambitions crazy police cases
i miss you
i miss every single part of you
i miss every single part of that
youre perfect
you never really did dig the little things.
i dont know where to start, um
sunday rachel and I went to see harry potter. we're cool, HARRY POTTER ON A SUNDAY NIGHT YES
anyway met billy funny smoothie numbers etc cool guy
thursday was departmental awards, got the art award which was pretty kick butt
my parents were hoping for an academic award, though
friday renee's late birthday party, lots of trampolining and me avoiding getting wet
blah blah blur friends arbitrary acquaintance presenting projects free days sitting out on pavement nothing to eat
wednesday went to get smoothies with a couple people, walked downtown, had some fun, blah blah, beautiful day
janine and i went to movies and got in with billy for FREE and saw the worst movie EVER and made fun of it the whole time and we sat in the arcade and pretended to play the games only we had no money so we were driving during the demo screen deal.
we went to newbury as well and i got lots of happy cds.
then i...went home
EXCITING.
i...really dont remember what happened thursday
thats strange
oh god i know SOMETHING happened...damn.
anyway
six flags friday. creepy trucker with sexual gestures circled our bus and we called simmons (that was his truck) and they sent us to a home phone (???) so we called police and they said they couldnt do anything if he didnt "expose himself."
hm.
crazy rides. we do such strange things to ourselves to warp our perception of fun
though i must say i enjoyed the sensory overload of lights and sweet air and sweat.
we went into the beautiful waterpark with fake beach and foam lily pads
a synthetic wonderland. great
i must admit, i had fun
rode home in my wet shirt with ben jamming in the back and falling asleep sporadically
i dont know, the headache at the end of the day was worth it for brightly colored ice cream and a few hundred lost brain cells
and i managed not to win ANYTHING.
came home to d'anne and eric coming over so we had an amazing dinner and talked about all manners of things, it was great to see them again, real kickoff to summer
saturday was caitlin's party from 5-12
lots of smoking lots of pool lots of night lots of citronella and a blur of circle-wanting and driving m&ms in hot tub tequila hut "after all these nights with cold women and warm beer i wind up here in margarettaville"
so much happy cancer in this town
beautiful night, beautiful night
sunday i think is when i started...to go kind of crazy and began the insane cleaning spree
monday continued the spree and got jim with lots of conflict over here to try to make my computer happy, only it died so i ended up backing it up on 25 cds and f-disking. woo
then...i died
and cleaned
slept
woke up
cleaned
slept
woke up
cleaned
increased the you know what
slept woke up
cleaned
and i was just....dying...and it was bad
life is a dirty business
until somehow the failed plans of friday saved me
and after a really rough night...faint gleam of hope
i love you
sometimes the people you know for too long you know for just long enough
saturday went crazy shopping for soni gifts and felt like...a person again
at night went with rachel to the hatch shell in boston to see GLADYS KNIGHT for free WHO IS MY IDOL OH MY GOD
great night full of sweet smells of street vendors and dense crowds mixed with some vile exhaust
great music, great people, great evening full of gold light and golden-old-people and happy babies and surround sound (as stated by rachel) with all the beautiful voices around us singing along.
it was splendid and rachel is just the most beautiful person and she MAKES MY LIFE.
we went to dessert at the hard rock cafe afterwards but apparently their ice cream blew up, or something. we decoded the stained glass and ate crazy dessert fruit nacho cinnamon-ness.
and discussed nursery-rhyme style lyrics.
woo rachel.
then i..slept...
and woke way too early after a lot of...really scary nightmares involving me running away from a crazy masochistic sex house where they kill you and ending up driving through maine only i didnt know my way and got nauseated because i was lost.
so i ended up on this crazy ski lift where you just hung on with your hands for dear life only i had to save 2 records
i dropped one and had to run back to get it after i got off
then the crazy people working in the sadomasochistic sex house grabbed me and stabbed me to death only i was still alive so i was really scared. and then i woke up.
then i fell back asleep and had this beautiful dream about large vintage headphones secretly living and being beige in my cabinet downstairs. so i went down tonight and looked and there were large headphones, kind of like hard earmuffy things. only they were sort of new. and there were random beige ones on the table.
so now i listen to complex music that sends strands into my ears/head in a million directions.
today tierney and i went to bobs to enjoy the beautiful day tubing and kneeboarding and eating brownies and sitting on plush lawn with feet in cool water and head in the sky.
it was a beautiful day and i got to see meme and berra and danny and deryk as well, watch sun make silver linings and diamonds on the water. such richness
its just a barefoot type of place
tierney makes me happy
we did double kneeboarding and ate lots of pretty food and talked about things. and listened to old 90s songs we knew all the words to but didnt know the titles of because we were 8 or so when we first heard them.
right now, sean is making me happy with elephants and pogo sticks, soni got me through a few rough nights and is splendid for it, and i'm just happy i dont hate people.
things are tougher then.
trying...so hard to be tolerant
i'm melting away
wake clean sleep wake clean sleep
what is going on?
in life everybody worries a lot and that is wonderful. in life nobody ever gets what they want and that is beautiful
Well, here is my attempt to be coherent.
I dont remember what happened monday tuesday or wednesday except a lot of sleeping and a lot of watching pickup soccer. Thursday was senior recognition night which i went to with sean, and it was very nice and heartwrenching like a proper commencement ceremony should be.
We talked a bit and realized his father left.
Anyway, friday i actually took the bus home (gasp!) and decided to go back to school so i did and played soccer, figures all the varsity kids played that day.
I went home, took a shower, and went to graduation with Rachel & family. It was beautiful, sentimental and wonderful and soggy sobby happy grinning crazy throw-cap everything and i think i was more emotional inside than i shouldve been.
Saturday was driving around and going to Chris C's for his party, which was splendid and there were too many people to list. There was also a lot of smoking and a hobo and burning cactus and incense-bug-repellent and lanterns and crazy music and orgasm cake. And a bird pooped on my head. No seriously.
Sunday was big lit mag meeting @ chris' again, i did a ton of formatting while he went off to parties (??) and then we drove off to Rachel/Jason's for the party there and there was lots of happy nerdiness and rorsharch tests and a magic strawberry salad that was crazy good.
Then from there me and chris took a wonderful drive with the most gorgeous music and all the windows and the sunroof open to Dave's to meet up with em and chris k. who i hadnt seen in a long time, as well as caroline and danny mc.
Chris drove off and i was left with one of the most changed people i have ever laid eyes on. I dont know if i want to talk to chris k. again. The world has grown out of him.
I left and got home and collapsed.
After un-collapsing the next morning I...went to school. I was really tired so i dont really remember any of it.
And then
OH!
After school chris drove to school to pick up caitlin and I and we drove to his house to work on lit mag further, formatting and whatnot, we made a super-rhombus and read way too many puerile supernatural-myth books that chris has in his room for some reason.
Caitlin and I (er...caitlin) ate two full bags of potato chips. Not the happy mini this-is-my-portion size. The party bags.
Caitlin had to go leave to work at her job, so me and chris worked for a long time after that. And then we decided...lets not work anymore. Lets get ice cream instead. (woo hoo! thesis)
So we drove playing more amazing music with windows open (because thats how we always drive) to the golden spoon, where we found Caitlin cleaning up the cash register she exploded.
And we got free ice cream and sat on the hood of chris' car.
Then jen and sandra randomly drove up in this crazy topless car and laughed at us and then jen took pictures and they were all going to the beach and there was crazy calling/sealing of car/giggling/confetti throwing out windows
all in all i couldnt go to the beach so we drove to chris' again to get picked up by my parents, who drove me home, where i promptly collapsed again.
But before i collapsed I chopped all my hair off.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO GAVE ME A "OH MY GOD WHY DID YOU CHOP OFF YOUR HAIR" TODAY.
This is why. So you and your rhetorical questions can go be pissants together.
First off, my hair was a hassle. It took 24 hours down to dry. It now takes about 2. And it never looked very...tame. Not that this is bad, but it got to be a bit much.
Furthermore, what is a hassle to me is a gift to someone else. I donated my 10 inches of hair to Locks of Love, an organization that makes what are ordinarily $3000-$6000 wigs for children or adults who have lost hair in accidents or through cancer treatment, permanently. It seems to be a simple choice; what I can easily live without, and may prefer living without, will help another person just as important be happier with themselves.
I also really like the word "tuft".
Lastly, I cut it off because I had been thinking about it for a long time, hair grows back, and I wanted to.
How happy.
But on another note, thank you to those of you who gave me compliments on it, etc. You dont need to and I know that.
Moving on,
today (phew!) was Tuesday, my brother went into school as wolverine, i presented a project about AIDS and felt saddened&put into perspective, etc, drifted through day, etc. @ the end of the school day I went to politics club, which was rather useless and amusing, then went home with my brother.
I took the most amazing shower (my head didnt weight 23897410231390487120934781234pounds anymore!) and felt happy and pure and clean. And then i decided to go sailing.
So we drove up to worcester and i went with mike and we sailed and raced and came in 2nd out of the 3, and the ones that beat us were these college kids who race winter and summer and are some very crazy cats.
It was beautiful and I love seeing the sail linens in late evening light, everything is pure and smooth. The water was beautiful, the air was beautiful. The night was beautiful.
We sailed around with the crew till it began to get dark, and then we headed in and tied up everything on the dock and in the pretty little building. Then we went and had drinks on the lit dock at vinnies, to celebrate, and talk about whatever-his-name-is' phDs and sailing and life and the way wind feels in your ears.
I came home maybe an hour ago, I feel content, sleepy, strange. Every night is a new night, every word is an old word and every sentence is in new context. I feel so much better.
And after all this i still havent called rostislav. oh damn.